Chronological Age vs. Family Age

I'm reading an adoption book-Parenting Your Internationally Adopted Child by Patty Cogen. I had checked it out from the library before we traveled to get Jay-R and had read some of it but reading it now, it makes a whole lot more sense. I wished I would have had a chance to read the entire book before we returned from the Philippines. Anyways, there is a very interesting concept she discusses in the book that has really made me think about some of Jay-R's reactions to things. There are times, he goes from acting like the 5 year old he is to a 2 year old within minutes. It's like he is going through different maturity/developmental stages within minutes. Of course, this all ties into the past experiences he has experienced of loss, etc. What really struck me was the concept of chronological age vs. family age. Family age defined as the length of time the child has been with the family. She states that a child adopted internationally has been using survival skills but must now learn how to use family skills, or in other words, what it means to be part of a family. So, in our case, Jay-R is really 5 years old, but his family age is 5 months. She goes on to state that you should respond to your child's family age when a tantrum, etc. happens, and it may seem like you are babying your child in your response but that will help your child developmentally and in forming his/her identity. Kory and I discussed this and it all makes sense. Jay-R is learning how to be part of a family, what his role is, and what this means. We struggle with how much to do for him knowing he missed out on the one on one hands on care when he was younger yet also knowing he will be starting kindergarten and will need to do some tasks independently. For instance, sometimes he will dress himself and sometimes he absolutely insists on needing help. Really, he has and continues to bond and attach really well to us, but the concept of family age helps us in knowing how to deal best with his tantrums and emotional outbursts when they happen. I can't wait to find time to read more of the book. It's only $10 on Amazon. com and I am planning on ordering it as soon as I find time to do so. It's waiting in my shopping cart! I highly recommend this book.