Identity Issues

We are still alive...just have a lot going on right now.

I wanted to share something Jay-R has been saying and wondering if anyone else out there has had to answer any questions like this....

The other night, we had an exchange student from the Philippines visit us. We have met her before, she leaves soon to return home to the Philippines, and she wanted to tell us good-bye. During her visit, she spoke to Jay-R in Tagalog to which he was able to appropriately answer her in English. He still has the ability to understand Tagalog but he has lost the ability to verbally communicate in Tagalog.
Okay, the next day, he tells me, "I don't want to be brown."
I say, "Why not?"
He says, "I don't want to be Filipino. I want to be white."
To which, I explain to him that God made people many different colors because He loves all his people and loves that people are different. And I told him that I am his Mommy because we wanted a Filipino little boy, and he is the perfect one.

In his 6 year old mind, he processes this all his own way. Later, his sister heard him tell his cousin after getting their arms stamped at Cedar Point Amusement Park, "I can see my stamp because I'm brown, but you can't see yours because you're white." And last night, we spent some time with friends who have adopted an African American little girl. We talked again about how God made us all different, and how O doesn't look like her Mommy or Daddy either, and that's okay.

Jay-R also made a statement to me that he couldn't speak Tagalog anymore. I told Kory, maybe he is in a way having a 6 year old identity crisis. Maybe he doesn't feel like he fits as a Filipino because he can't speak the language but yet he knows he is different from us because he isn't white. When these questions or statements arise, we reassure him that we love him just as he is and that God made him perfect as he is. I love my little boy and can't imagine him any different. I knew we would deal with questions/statements likes this, and I know there will be more to come. I always pray that God will guide my words.

We are excited about hosting a Filipino exchange student for the upcoming school year. She will arrive in August. We are committed to keeping Jay-R connected to his culture, and I guess with the recent conversation, now is the perfect time for us to welcome a student into our home. We are hoping he might be able to pick up the language again, and that I might learn some basic Tagalog to use when we adopt again. We want Jay-R to understand it's okay to be both Filipino and American. I think it is best to deal with these things now, everyday as they come up, so when it is time for him to spread his wings and leave the safety of his home, he is grounded in who he is.

Anyone have any thoughts or similar experiences or conversations?

Brown People

We are getting ready to go to a Filipino heritage camp for families who have adopted children from the Philippines.

Here's last year's post for an explanation of Camp Mabuhay: http://ktallisonfamily.blogspot.com/2009/06/camp-mabuhay.html

Jay-R remembers our experiences from last summer. On the way to his ball game last night, Jay-R says, "Are there gonna be lots of brown people there?"

We chuckled to ourselves and then continued the conversation to explain to him that brown people like himself are called Filipinos. Silly boy!

The things they say!

Photo Update...Finally

First time tubing. He loved it even though they fell off the tube the first time!

Beach Day at school. He looks like quite the little tourist!

The kids decided to dress up the dog for beach day, too!

Rock on! Jay-R saved up his allowance money and bought this drum set. Thanks to our friend Aaron from band, Jay-R also now has a snare drum, too. He loves to play his drums...loud!

A spring pose of the kids

A Struggle of Power

The past two nights have been, um, what's the word...a bit frustrating.
They have been struggles of power. Who's in control here?

Jay-R: "I want another story."
Me: "Sorry, honey. It's already pass your bedtime. We'll read another one tomorrow."
Jay-R; "I want a story NOW!"
Okay....well, we didn't read that other story tonight either because...

Me: "Honey, it's time for bed."
Jay-R: "I don't want to go to bed, I want to stay up late!"
on and on and on....

These kind of nights are frustrating. He is defiant, finds out he is not getting his way, and then becomes teary while still being angry. We eventually end with the "I'm sorries" and good-night kisses with promises of I still love you, will always love you, but you're still not watching TV tomorrow-that's called punishment.

Life lessons and disciplining in love....leaves me hoping for better sweet dreams tomorrow!!!! I know I pushed my parents' buttons and had my own moments of defiance. Guess it all comes back to us!!!

And someday, I will add some new pics...I promise!

A Moment of Quiet Reflection

Quiet...besides the low humming of the refrigerator and the "thinking" sounds of the computer, all is quiet here. Two children are in bed asleep along with one hubby with a headache as well as both dogs. It is pure bliss-quiet...something I haven't heard much of lately.

I need these moments of quiet solitude. Our life has been soo busy lately thus resulting in the lack of my blogging time. When I'm not at work, we're at the soccer fields, baseball diamonds, church, assisting with 6th grade math homework that resembles math I did in 8th grade...life doesn't slow down. And I'm okay right now with this. I know my children will grow up too fast and then I will have lots of moments of quiet like this. And in those times, I will wish for the yelling of "Mom!", feet running down the stairs, and even the arguing between brother and sister.

I guess I'm a little reflective right now with Mother's Day approaching. I think of Lucy a lot, Jay-R's birth mommy. No, we never met her. We know very little about her. But, I believe that she loved her little boy, and I hope she wanted more than anything for someone to love him and to take care of him in a way she wasn't able to. Regardless of the circumstances that brought Jay-R to the orphanage, there is one reality that remains. Without his birth mommy, I could not be his mommy. And for that, I am forever grateful to this woman. I hope all moms and waiting moms have a wonderful Mother's Day this weekend. And for all moms that have had to make the difficult decision for someone else to love their babies, thank you for allowing us to be moms.

Adoption thoughts from Jay-R's mind...

Little glimpses into Jay-R's mind...

Kory and I talk occasionally about wanting to return to the Philippines to visit. There are things we didn't have time to do when we visited and places we want to see yet. Also, we have met friends that we miss and want to visit with again. We want to wait until Jay-R is a little older so he can understand and appreciate his roots.

The other night, we mentioned something about the Philippines when we were driving in the car.
Jay-R says, "I don't want to go back to the Philippines. I don't want to go to White Cross."
To which, we both reassured him that it would just be for a visit and that we would be with him.
He says, "They will think I am bad if I come back."
Of course we reassured him that we would only stay for the day and we would be with him the entire time. We reminded him about our friend who visited White Cross last summer and brought gifts for his friends, and how happy they were to see pictures of him with his family in America.

It makes us wonder what goes on in his little mind, what he has experienced, what he has witnessed...maybe a child did come back because of an adoption that didn't work out.

We know he is completely at home here. There just must be something in his mind that elicits insecurity when he hears mention of a return visit to the Philippines. Makes me want to hug him tight, kiss his cheek, and tell him over and over we love him.

And yet another glimpse into his mind...

Tonight at dinner, he said, "Mommy, I wish I was born in your belly."
To which I said, "Jay-R you might not have been born in my belly, but you were born in my heart. Who gave you to me?"
Jay-R: "Jesus."
Mommy: "Yes, Jay-R. Jesus gave Ate to us in my belly, and you to us in my heart. But, the important thing is that Jesus gave you both to us in His way."
Then, we looked at his school yearbook and pointed out other boys and girls at his school who had also been born in their mommies' hearts. This seemed to satisfy him.

I pray a lot that God will give us the words when he asks questions like that. We talk openly about his adoption and his birth mother. We really want him to have a strong sense of identity. And God really did give us Jay-R in my heart. 2003, the year Jay-R was born, was the year we decided we were ready for another child, the year I shed many tears because of a dream that seemed like it would never come true. Little did we know that God was fulfilling our dream half-way around the world.

We have been insanely busy with work schedules, soccer, church, and just random things. I have some cute pictures I'll try to post soon. He is growing!!!

He really is listening!

This morning when I dropped Jay-R off at school, I said, "Good-bye! Love you! Have a good day and listen to your teacher." As he gets out of the car, he replies, "Bye! Love you! Have a good day and listen to your boss!"

The things he comes up with....then it occurred to me. We had a conversation the other day about the importance of listening which he struggles with at times. I explained to him that even Mommy and Daddy have people we need to listen to. I named off policemen, the electric company (explaining why we have to pay our bill), and our bosses. Guess he was listening!!!!