We are still alive...just have a lot going on right now.
I wanted to share something Jay-R has been saying and wondering if anyone else out there has had to answer any questions like this....
The other night, we had an exchange student from the Philippines visit us. We have met her before, she leaves soon to return home to the Philippines, and she wanted to tell us good-bye. During her visit, she spoke to Jay-R in Tagalog to which he was able to appropriately answer her in English. He still has the ability to understand Tagalog but he has lost the ability to verbally communicate in Tagalog.
Okay, the next day, he tells me, "I don't want to be brown."
I say, "Why not?"
He says, "I don't want to be Filipino. I want to be white."
To which, I explain to him that God made people many different colors because He loves all his people and loves that people are different. And I told him that I am his Mommy because we wanted a Filipino little boy, and he is the perfect one.
In his 6 year old mind, he processes this all his own way. Later, his sister heard him tell his cousin after getting their arms stamped at Cedar Point Amusement Park, "I can see my stamp because I'm brown, but you can't see yours because you're white." And last night, we spent some time with friends who have adopted an African American little girl. We talked again about how God made us all different, and how O doesn't look like her Mommy or Daddy either, and that's okay.
Jay-R also made a statement to me that he couldn't speak Tagalog anymore. I told Kory, maybe he is in a way having a 6 year old identity crisis. Maybe he doesn't feel like he fits as a Filipino because he can't speak the language but yet he knows he is different from us because he isn't white. When these questions or statements arise, we reassure him that we love him just as he is and that God made him perfect as he is. I love my little boy and can't imagine him any different. I knew we would deal with questions/statements likes this, and I know there will be more to come. I always pray that God will guide my words.
We are excited about hosting a Filipino exchange student for the upcoming school year. She will arrive in August. We are committed to keeping Jay-R connected to his culture, and I guess with the recent conversation, now is the perfect time for us to welcome a student into our home. We are hoping he might be able to pick up the language again, and that I might learn some basic Tagalog to use when we adopt again. We want Jay-R to understand it's okay to be both Filipino and American. I think it is best to deal with these things now, everyday as they come up, so when it is time for him to spread his wings and leave the safety of his home, he is grounded in who he is.
Anyone have any thoughts or similar experiences or conversations?
5 comments:
I think you are doing a beautiful job with Jay-R. I hope God gives us the wisdom to say the same things when our Little One(s) have questions like his.
Keeping you in prayer!
Blessings!
Deborah
Sorry that I can't help you with this. Jay-R is asking some really hard questions but it sounds like you are doing a great job of answering his questions and reassuring him.
We are right there with you Tammy. We have a lot of the same questions and identity issues. Shella May refuses to speak Tagalog or even acknowledge that she knows it. We'll get to chat soon, can't wait to meet you in person.
Wow - Identical conversations even though our boys are older than Jay-R. The one thing they have been able to get across to us is that they feel "funny" inside when they can't remember the Tagalog words. Our daughter will still try to speak phrases to them but it tends to agitate them and they end up saying speak English. We've also encountered this panic when they forget certain peoples' names from the Philippines. It has to be so scary to realize all you knew is slowly slipping out and all this new is coming in. I can't tell you how selfishly relieved I was to read your post as sometimes I wonder if we are dealing with something unusual. Lori, Iowa
have you read "Third Culture Kids: The Experience of Growing Up Among Worlds"? I haven't read it yet, but plan to. a few people have recommended it to us to try to give us an understanding of what our daughter might go thru as one who, because of my husband's work, will be living overseas for a good portion of her young life. it might be an interesting read since I can see some similarities in identity issues adoptees growing outside their original culture and even with those (adopted or not) who immigrate or move to a different culture at a young age would grapple with. Looking forward to hearing how your discussions progress.
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